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Penny twirled 'round the corner, smacking face-first into a man's chest.

"Omigosh! Sorry, sir!" she said, yanking back. She looked up into the man's face, and froze.

There was no face. There was no head. There was a half-neck protruding from a collar, ruddy and swollen, terminating in a livid cross-section of tubes, muscle, and bone. Penny took three quick stumbles backward, mouth agape, where her brother Cornelius collided with her from behind.  

"Penny, what..." he began, before catching sight of the headless body and joining her in a moment of shocked silence.  "The devil...?"

Then a man's head came around the corner, in the most literal sense. Dark eyes stared down from a bronzed (and scowling) Arroyan face with handsome features, his black hair swept back in a long tail. Startlingly, the man ended halfway down his neck in the jagged mate to the headless, severed throat. The living head was joined to a ghostly body and a long cloak cinched at his throat hung around the ghostly shoulders to the floor, crimson interior clearly visible through the misty body.

"Insufferable OAF!" The head loomed down on the body. "Again! That's the third time this morning! What on Arroya did I just tell you?"

The shoulders hunched sheepishly.

"Oh, yes. You'd better be sorry. But don't apologize to me," the head nodded emphatically at Penny, "Well? C'mon, show some manners!"

The body cut a short skip and gave Penny a flourishing bow. She grinned nervously. The head smirked. "Oh yes, some gentleman you are," it said dryly. "Now. Go amuse yourself in some corner and try to avoid making any more new friends, hm?"

With a smart salute, the headless one wandered back into the empty lobby. The head shut his eyes a moment and drew a deep breath, apparently recovering his poise before turning and smiling grimly at the Montreys.

Cornelius had managed to clear his face. "Tiago, I... you... you're, uh, well, you're out of hospital, I see?"

"Hospital! HA!" the head tossed back. "Those basarillos at St. Lanigee's, Cornelius! They revoked my work-release, said I am in perfect health and there is no reason I shouldn't return to office. 'Perfect health,' they said!" he sputtered, flinging a ghostly arm behind him to jab towards the body (which gave a little wave), "I. Am. Decapitated! Like hell I'm fit to work!"

"No, indeed," said Cornelius, looking between Tiago's scowling face and his body, which was up again and sidling towards the coffee bar. It was not without a bit of shame that Cornelius felt his moustache twitch, narrowly repressing a smile.

Tiago sniffed. "No indeed is right. They've set me an appointment with a necromancer from Ninges next Tuesday, as if I want to see another necromancer again, ever…" he growled. His glowering eyes fell on Penny, then opened a bit in embarrassment. "Oh. Terribly sorry, where are my manners?"

"Tiago, this is my sister, Miss Penny Montrey. Penny, Ambassador Tiago Caradilla Salspalda of Tricole."

The head inclined with a charming if tired smile. "Prios daros."      

"Prios daros," Penny echoed.

"My deepest apologies if you were spooked," Tiago drawled, "bozo there has been sticking his lack-of-a-nose into everybody's faces today, it's been an absolute nightmare."

"Oh, hey, no prob." Penny glanced between the two ambassadors. "Er, not to pry, but how, uh...?" She fingered her throat almost involuntarily.

Tiago snorted and began pacing, a morbid sight with his head trailing both long tail and flowing cloak, insubstantial body almost imperceptible under the fluorescent lights. "Well. I was envoy to Brutin IV two weeks ago trying to garner support for some unpopular legislation. Miserably, I learned that disgruntled Brutinians are fairly gung-ho in matters of foreign affairs…" He rubbed a translucent hand over his throat, wincing. "Uh, for better or worse, there was this... enthusiastic young necromedic in our company who was able to, well, to save my life. However, he missed one detail. He reanimated me..." he drew a resigned breath and spread his arms, "in two." He cast a sad eye on his body which was rooting around the bar.

"And this Ninges necromancer?" Cornelius offered, "He'll be able to set you right, will he?"

"I hope so, Cornelius, I hope so. It has been a ghastly two weeks, nigh unendurable. If only I hadn't drained my vacation time on that cruise with Georgia..."

"How's she taking her husband's undeath, by the way?"

Tiago's face reddened. "Oh, you know Georgia. I dare say she thinks it's all a bit funny."      

"Oh no?"

"Yes! And what's more, she goes on about how idiot there is so much more helpful 'round the house than I, proper. It is really something to have your own body stepping between you and your wife's affections. I tell you, Cornelius, life in the Salspalda household has been a trial."

"I'm sure she's relieved to have you back, in however many pieces."

"Hmpf, I still say-" Tiago turned sharply to stare his lower six-sevenths which had prodded him in the back of the neck. "What? Goodness sakes, what? Can't you see I'm trying to have a simple conversation here?" The body raised a plate with a muffin and a breakfast roll expectantly. "Gods… you're not hungry again?" He turned back to Cornelius and Penny with narrowed eyes. "Blast my appetite. You'll have to forgive me..."

"Not at all, we were just moving along," Cornelius said, beginning to herd Penny across the lobby.

"Oh, Cornelius," Tiago said, overlapping the ghostly body with his solid one, now seated at a table, "before you go, I hardly need tell you that Brutin negotiations were less than triumphant. Senator Li has been left in an unfortunate position and I much anticipate the Senate voting his propositions into an early grave." The two halves of the ambassador's neck fused along a jagged, cherry-red seam with an unpleasant sizzling sound. "I should respectfully suggest you do the same."

"And Ansel?"

"I've already had a talk with her. Seems she's throwing her support behind Gainsley- to the left, you lump." The last was directed at his right arm which finally succeeded in holding the muffin where Tiago could take a bite.

"Gainsley... unlikely."

"Unlikely?" Tiago said, mouth full of muffin. "An' why mfght tha' be?"

Cornelius shook himself out of his reverie. He smiled at Ambassador Salspalda and straightened his cloak, shooing Penny into the doorway.

Tiago swallowed loudly. "Oh-oh; hush-hush senatorial politics, now, is it?" He grinned wickedly as his stomach growled appreciatively at the muffin.

"Let's say I fill you in after I speak with our learned colleague myself, and in the meantime, ah," he smiled graciously, "do get well soon."

"Ah shall tfry." Tiago said solemnly around another bite. "Take fare o' yurself, Montfrey."

"Take care, Tiago."

"And nice to meet you!" piped Penny before being ushered out into the hall.   

"Well, that was something else," she said as they resumed their course, now deep in the labyrinthine halls of the ambassadorial wing. Brass-framed doors in smart black paint studded the walls, many with flags mounted above them, many of which Penny was embarrassed not to recognize. Not much traffic here, only a few underlings loitering around watercoolers and the occasional ambassador strolling along with coffee in hand and face buried in memos.   

"Yes. Possibly not the strangest thing that's happened to Ambassador Salspalda, believe it or not. Tiago does tend to land some of the more unfortunate assignments. You can be certain he's got a bone to pick now with the Department of Brutin Foreign Affairs for dropping him into such an obviously volatile situation. Urg," he said, running a finger under his collar, "surviving your own beheading, imagine that."

"Eh," Penny agreed, crinkling up her face.

"I'd been told he'd made it back to us alive, but I had no idea, no idea, he'd been reanimated in two. Ha!" He broke down and chuckled aloud. "In two! What kind of bungling necromancer..." he sobered under Penny's withering look.

"You know, I don't think it's a very funny situation."

"Okay, hey now- hey. Tiago's a friend, I'm relieved that he's alive. He's a survivor, and he's been though worse before, he just needs to, ah ha, to keep his head on his shoulders..." the senator cracked up, startling a passing pack of clerks. Penny lowered her head and raised an eyebrow at her brother.

"Seriously, Cornelius? Ha, well, I suppose it's about as silly as coming to work five meters long, half-blind, and amphibious, innit?"

Cornelius' chuckle dissolved into a cough.      

"Remember Lady Gnoccie, Corn? I don't suppose we're ever going to see her on Amoth Elarg again... I only wonder how they managed to pry her off the ceiling?"

"Point taken."

"And who knew an old geezer like Lord Gnoccie could be so dangerous with an umbrella?"

"Alright now..."

"Thank goodness you don't take scars in that form or you'd have a few fun ones now, huh?"

"Thank you, Penny, that's quite enough. Remember, you're not technically employed yet, and if you wish to remain in candidacy you'd be wise to watch your words."

"Pfft, candidacy? You made up the position for me yourself, don't even."

"So I did."

"Must be nice to just snap your fingers and make jobs and stuff fall out of the air."

"My dear naive sister, even as High Commander I didn't 'just snap my fingers' and make things happen. There's something called a Senate? And a High Parliament? Perhaps you've heard of them? And every division of every level at every tier of government down to the cleaning personnel has to pass action through some kind of system for approval."

"I know. It's your fantastic little bureaucratic world at its best."

"Small wonder we never get anything done, hmm?" Cornelius gently elbowed her in the side. She grinned and pushed him back.      

"So how did you get the okay to hire on another minion?"

"Cashed in a favor with a colleague. Most of Elarg owes me a favor or three, whether or not they care to remember it these days. Usually a friendly visit from a five-meter crime-against-nature is enough to jog their memories..."

"And they say you were even more frightening before the accident, however you managed that."

"I find my political prowess is now crippled by a conscience."

Penny chuckled.

"Can't fathom what people find so endearing about the things," he sniffed. "Dreadful company, bickering, ever pointing out problems but offering no solutions..."

"Maybe you're using it wrong," she laughed as they turned the corner.
Pfft, this silly stuff that pours out of my head, never sure if I should be embarrassed for myself or not.

Anyways, this started as an exploration of what might go down in a world where magic allows people to fiddle even with the stuff of life and death and was intended to make me brainstorm on the subject of necromancy and possible uses therein for my necromancer Vlad Wickaster’s benefit. But then, like so many of my little rambles, it snatched the leash and pulled the story off into the Altalamatox universe, that vast unwritable sinkhole of mine.

So meet one of Cornelius’ work buddies, Tiago, a thirty-something ambassador known for his wit and determination, traits for which he’s picked to take on some of the more precarious negotiating tables. This latest venture ending the worst by far.

I just dropped us into the middle of everything, so in context, this is Cornelius giving his sister Penny the grand tour of the capital buildings on their way to officially register her as a page under Cornelius, one of a number of assistants who help him wrangle the mountainous paperwork and hectic schedule that come with duel seats as Aaigean ambassador and Altalamatoxian senator.

And for the record, Salspalda had a little guilty chuckle at Cornelius when the latter first dragged his sorry amphibious self back to work after his own little ordeal, so now they’re both officially jerks, but they’re even. They are politicians, so we’ll cut them some slack.

There's a doodle of Tiago that goes along with this at the bottom of this thing.
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Leonca Featured By Owner Jan 11, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Congratulations, I laughed several times. =D
Altalamatox Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2012
Ha, glad to hear it! Thank you for reading, by the way. :)
Ginger-Seat Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2012
Poor guy. But I guess his body is just acting normally, except that now it doesn't just tell him what it wants, it gets up and gets it itself. :laughing:
Altalamatox Featured By Owner Jan 23, 2012
Almost convenient in a way! ;)
Constance-fire Featured By Owner Apr 18, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
Well it's the library. People see crap like this all the time :)
...PPhhh (sniker) although the head thing is rather unfortunate
sweets8 Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2010
Yay, finally read it ;P

Very good, keep it up, love having Cornelius pop up frequent like :lol:
Altalamatox Featured By Owner Aug 16, 2010
Oh man, my inbox is always full of poetry/prose submissions I'm so slow to get through, no worries. You like it? It was kind of a silly fun thing to write. And I'm glad you enjoy Cornelius. He doesn't have the flashy looks like Ben and Tom or Ben's jovial personality or Morgan's awesome MIGHTY POWARZ, so I feel he kind of takes backseat to the others. Special place in my heart for peeps who like Cornelius... somebody's got to! <3
sweets8 Featured By Owner Aug 17, 2010
yeah! He's got a big personality that's why. A few buses big :XD:
Altalamatox Featured By Owner Aug 17, 2010
If by personality you mean ego, then yes! Ha, no, actually the invention of Morgan was the best thing to happen to Cornelius in years; can't have two exceptionally self-absorbed shapeshifters in the same head, so Morgan's siphoned off most of that for himself and Cornelius has been left with his prickly pride and a streak of vanity but greatly toned down from what it once was.
ThaddeusGrey Featured By Owner Aug 4, 2010
This was hilarity. Make more.
Alranth Featured By Owner Jul 24, 2010
Ahaha, this is brilliant xD Tiago sounds like such a fun character. I do hope he pulls some pranks on people before the news gets out that he's been decapitated
Swashbookler Featured By Owner Jul 7, 2010  Student General Artist
Yay for blip,
I like it, it was funny7 and I liked how the body demanded food from him XD lol.
I always dig a good story even if it's just a blip.
Poor guy XD
Pineclaw3 Featured By Owner Jul 7, 2010
Great as per the usual. Love love love your writing.

Learned colleague. :rofl:
Pavender Featured By Owner Jul 6, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
Delightful! :clap: I always enjoy reading your stuff.
fealubryne Featured By Owner Jul 6, 2010
This was wonderfully written. Caught my attention in the first few sentences, the imagery was fantastic, and the humor was spot-on. Definitely something I would read more of, given the chance.
CarnelianKey Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2010
Your peculiar sense of humour is really magnificent - just dark enough to tickle mine. Tiago is entertaining, thus far, and I look forward to seeing more of both him and Penny. It also proved a nice change to see more of Corny being...something aside from a disgruntled ex-power-to-be-reckoned-with.
FroudTheXenophile Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2010   General Artist
The predicament that Tiago has with his wife reminded me of the movie "Baron Munchausen", the Terry Gilliam one. Robin Williams played the King of the Moon whose head and body separates and, as expected, the head is the intellectual while the body is into carnal pleasure and the head hates it when it has to be attached to the body. It's a weird movie, but you pretty much expect it from Terry Gilliam.

I get head!Tiago's issue with his body and his wife, though I have a feeling that it might be more than just his body being more helpful around the house.
fealubryne Featured By Owner Jul 6, 2010
Ha! This is actually exactly what I was thinking. I'm amused I wasn't the only one.
FroudTheXenophile Featured By Owner Jul 6, 2010   General Artist
Yeah, there's probably nothing sadder than a sexually frustrated head.
Sylphxpression Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2010
This is hilarious to the umpteenth degree.
Neosatsuma Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2010
Man, :iconlonewolflover: beat me to it; I was going to say that I immediately recognized that scene from the 52nd Brain Spew. X3
Awesome story. I love it when you write stuffs. :3
Allysdelta Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2010   General Artist
Ah, so we finally meet Penny! I like her already.

And Tiago! Oh poor fellow, we thought Cornelius had it bad! (I admit.... I laughed. Mea culpa.) Hope to see more of him. But I think you'd better have your fun with him now before he.... pulls himself together.

PFFFFTH! Hee hee hee!
LoneWolfLover Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2010
How your writing sends me into little giggle fits... :giggle:

I was also quite amused when I read about Cornelius and Penny's reaction to Tiago's plight, because I instantly remembered the exact scene from Brain Spew the 52nd. (totallynotstalkingyourart*cough**cough*) :XD:

I find it also rather amusing that Tiago's body has a different personality than his actual self. :B
qui-non-stultus Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2010  Hobbyist Digital Artist
THIS WAS SO MUCH FUN TO READ. Why is everything you write absolutely fascinating. XD Tiago is probably now my favorite character I've met of yours so far. I'd give him a hug if the image of a head with a spectral image and a decapitated body wasn't so -creepy-.

;u; It's good to hear from you again.
CaptainSeawolf Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2010   General Artist
That was too funny! And seeing the picture you drew to go along with this made all the funnier. This was awesome! Very nicely done!
CoyoteEsquire Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2010  Student Filmographer
Awesome, hilarious and a little disturbing ;)
Altalamatox Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2010
Mwaha, thank ye! :D
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